#WhenInMongolia: November 2014

I have been struggling.

These past two weeks have been a bit difficult for me. I live in a soum, 5 hours away from the closest American, or rather fluent English speaking person and to say I am lonely is an understatement. If any of you know me, laughing is apart of my daily routine, or rather hourly. But it seems as though I have nothing to laugh about anymore. I can’t recall the last time I laughed so hard I lost my breath. I remember in college it happened at least once ever couple of days if not more.

Now please don’t get me wrong. I love my job and my coworkers, students, and many other acquaintances. But that is just it. They are acquaintances. My coworkers are my friends, but I think friends are a little different here. We work together, talk, and do chores, but just hanging out, having a drink, or even talking about deep concepts are out of the question. The first reason because of Mongolian culture and the second because of the language barrier.

The hard thing is that because I am not fluent in the language I don’t understand most things. When I speak English it is to teach or plan lessons. I don’t speak for fun anymore. I can’t make inside jokes with people, or jokes at all for that matter. I feel like I am going stir crazy, yet there is nowhere to go to get rid of it.

I know the purpose of me being here isn’t so that I can laugh and have a good time, but to make a difference in people’s lives and help in any way that I can. But shouldn’t those go hand in hand? Should I be unhappy in a foreign country, just to say that I was in the Peace Corps?

When I first got to site I wrote letters to over 30 people and I have received 4 responses. I know everyone has busy schedules, and I understand completely. But for me, I go to the post office on Thursday, the day when all the mail comes with a sliver of hope for a letter or a faint hope of my lost package but I always leave empty handed.

My workday is busy and I always have something to do, but when 5 o’clock rolls around everyone goes home, does their chores, hangs out with their families, and more. Even volunteers who live in cities get to see each other many times during the week. While here I am having a pity party all by myself. Now I know this is a downer and who wants to read that, but you have to realize, way out here there is no one to vent to, so writing is my venting. After work I read or watch movies, which makes me think of what my life would be like somewhere else.

Every day I think about what I will do after my service is over, but shouldn’t I be in the moment? Shouldn’t I be all here. I feel like I shouldn’t be planning my future while I am here, but the whole time I just keep thinking when is my life going to start. Should I be thinking this is my life or plan the future.

The thing that gets me the most is that it’s not like I miss material things. I’m not craving specific food or anything like that. I miss people. I miss my friends, I miss meeting new people, I miss being able to strike up a conversation with someone and not have to worry if they understand you or not.

So needless to say I have been struggling. I know I have made a difference at school and when I am there I feel needed and wanted, but afterwards when I come home I feel like I am in a cold empty dark shell, aka my ger. Is this what selflessness is supposed to feel like? Like you are wasting your prime youthful years to help others? Maybe I am being cynical, but I just keep seeing people my age living it up. Should I be doing the same?

Maybe I have just been a bit off lately. Maybe it is because my monthly visitor has come into town. Or maybe I can’t do this. But all I know is I committed to two years of service and I will be damned if I quit on another thing in my life. But then again the thought comes to mind, can I handle or cope with being melancholic and isolated for another 2 years?

So yes, I have been struggling……………….and it’s not even winter yet.

Xoxo,

Rojo

Last I left off it was right before Halloween. And I know what your thinking. How can you celebrate a holiday where people scare the shit out of people or dress as slutty as can possibly be? (Reminder I took part in both of these tasks only a year ago…) But if you can put your thinking caps on maybe you’ll remember tick-or-treating, the whole “boo” phenomenon, and of course those cherished children’s Halloween parties where you played PG rated games. To my surprise as much as yours I organized a Halloween party for my students. They were all really excited about it too. I dressed up as snow, putting as minimal effort in it as I could, only wearing white while some of my student went all out with makeup and costumes. We played musical chairs, mummy wrap, the candy jar guessing game, and pin the face on the jack-o-lantern. We had awards and everything. It was legit.

I had a little squabble with my director because the weekly teacher’s meeting just so happened to unexpectedly be planned at the same time when it is usually on Mondays. My teachers, as well as other teachers who wanted to stop by for a bit couldn’t come. I was rather upset because we had been planning this party for over a week. Then again I thought next time I’ll make a bigger deal before hand. No sense in getting upset when nothing can be done.

The next week was finally break! The end of the first quarter was upon us and man was I excited to go to the aimag to see some Americans! Although being Mongolia I waited two days for a car up there. Embarrassing for me to admit, but those two days I never left my ger. Only watched movies and ate bread and jam. I was even too lazy to make a fire so I just shuffled around in my sleeping bag. That was the tell-tale sign I needed to get out.

I finally made it out of town bright and early on Monday. And by bright and early I technically mean dark and cold at 4 in the morning. The meeker even dropped me off at April’s school so I wouldn’t have to walk in the cold. And man was it cold. It was at least 15 to 20 degrees colder than my town. There was even a bit of snow on the ground. I was not prepared for that. All week we hung out milled around town, planned a seminar, and did crossword puzzles like our lives depended on it. It was great. Being able to relax and not worry about your teaching schedule, rushing to get people to things on time, or any time referenced activity was amazing.

We went to the black market and I was able to find camel socks, yak socks, and camel pants! They are so soft and cozy it is like my feet are living in… well I can’t think of anything better than ugg boots… April’s teacher, Orgil had us over for pizza too! It was scrumptious! I ate as many vegetables and cheese as I could get my hands on that week.

We taught a seminar on Thursday for Essay writing, multi-level classes, and more. It was a nice change teaching different teachers. The best part was that there were 38 teachers instead of my usual 4, so the teaching style was a tad bit different than my usual one on one. Afterwards we took a little detour to a school supply shop where I bought magnets, chalk, and stamps that said, “Great Job” “Good” and “Terrific.” It is amazing the little things that I know will bring my students joy. I used one of the stamps today on an exercise and all the other students tried to hurry to finish so they could get one as well. It was adorable.

When we got back, my sitemate Joanna had organized a Halloween event for all the teachers. They made cheeseburgers with jack-o-lantern faces and had Halloween trivia. The teachers got really into it too. The next day we milled around, shopped for more food for me to take home, and then I was off around 8 pm. The meeker was filled to the max per usual with 17+ people. If Mongolians were worried about personal space I would probably hate meeker rides, but because personal space doesn’t exist I love them, especially when it is starting to frost outside. The meeker ride and tight and cozy and I fell asleep right as we left town. That is the one thing I love about car rides, no matter how bumpy or where we are going I always manage to fall asleep. Way back in the day my mom said she would pop us in the car to fall asleep when we were little, so that probably had something to do with it.

The next day we went to the club to practice for another concert yet again. It feels like we have one every other week. And I kind of love it! I have always loved singing and now I get to do it all the time. Instead of people telling me to be quiet or giving a snide comment they actually join in! I can get the melody of most songs after the first try but learning the words is a whole other feat. But my teachers are all incredible and if I ask they write down the words like its as simple as pie. Also that phrase makes no sense. Pie is not simple. It is actually really hard to make, especially when ovens are mia… Anyway, I learned two new songs and of course sang mini ardin, the song I sang at swearing in. On Sunday we practiced in the afternoon and at night until late. Almost all the teachers are involved and it is pretty cool. Just being a part of something like this is incredible to me. My teachers don’t even think twice about me not being involved and that’s the way I want it to be.

The day of the concert flew by. We practiced and I went home to get ready. Before I read a bit of my new book I borrowed from April’s school. And it is kind of scary. I’ve had to put it in the freezer a few times. #Friendsreference (if this needs explaining you are obviously not a die hard Friends fan. Either that or you aren’t stuck in a foreign country with Friends being the only tv show you have on your hard drive) We wore our school uniform and Mongolian del’s for different performances. I sang 4 songs and played musical rocks. It was awesome. Of course before we sang we took celebratory vodka shots to calm our nerves. They say it makes you brave, and it did exactly that for me. We ended around 8 and I was ready to boogie. Unfortunately we didn’t boogie to boogie town. We went home and planned our lessons for the next day…

So here I am 5 months in. Crazy right? Doesn’t feel like 5 months at all. I still can’t believe this is my first real job. I still feel like I am in those awkward days of middle school where I broke up with my boyfriend because he held my hand. I thought it was too much of a commitment. And look at me now! Committed to 27 months in Mongolia, with 5 already done. Check! If you would have told me I would be in one of the coldest places in the world, or at least in my mind it is, I would have never believed you. My friends, family, and especially my roommates would have never believed you. (Shout out to Aldo and Izzy! Miss you both! #butnotyoda)

Hope your as proud of your job as me!

XOXO,

Rojo